Ploafmaster General

After a fun and humorous discussion with Patrick and Chris B., I decided that I'm going to start a "column" on my site called "Ask Dan."

This originated because of my apparent ability to talk about any subject. What a lot of people don't know (but my friends are aware of completely) is that I'm not really that intelligent. I'm just good at SOUNDING like I know what I'm talking about. Speaking with authority, if you will. A major B.S. artist, if you won't.

What Patrick, Chris, and I came up with was a question/answer feature for a site, and I decided to test it right here. If it stays here, fine. If, by some strange chance it got bigger, I'd make a new site. But I'm guessing the trickle of questions from my loyal four readers will keep it down to a weekly (or monthly) occurrence.

So here's how it'll work. I'll post a stub like this calling for folks to submit questions. I'll pick a question to answer, no matter how odd or serious, personal, or general. Or Ploafmaster General. My answer, however, will be completely serious and (pseudo)informative. That's really all the structure I have so far.

Alright then - post your questions in the comments, and check back on Friday for an answer!

Every so often...or should I say almost weekly, we have "on-site vendors" in the lobby of my office building. Said vendors proffer goods ranging from chintzy jewelry to books.

But they all drive me nuts.

They camp out in the center of the lobby, right near the entrance to the Men's Room. My section of the office has no bathroom of its own, so I have to walk past these crowded tables every time I need to hit the john. I feel as if they stare hopefully at me whenever I approach, only to have their entrepreneurial hopes dashed as I shuffle by, head down, avoiding eye contact.

Go find a flea market somewhere.

Time yet again for another shameless plug of my brother's writing. Head on over to his blog and check out his recent worx.

So yesterday, Val and I found out we will in fact be able to get our new heating system!!!!

On Monday, November 13th, Goodman Plumbing Heating and Air Conditioning will arrive at our house to begin installation work. We'll be getting a two zone heat pump system with a 2 ton, 14 SEER Trane on for the first floor, and a 2.5 ton, 15 SEER Trane for the second. Both floors will utilize variable-speed air handlers, which should help the efficiency of the system even more. AND...he's throwing in two touch-screen thermostats for the same price as the regular programmable ones :-)

So...by Thanksgiving, Val and I should have some ductwork, heat, AC for the summer, and 9 useless radiators!

Though no decisions have been made, one of my best friends, Robert, just informed me that Iowa State University wants him as a Ph.D. student!

While it'd be a bummer that he'd be even farther away (he's already in North Carolina), I'm happy for him that he's received the invitation. My hope is that he ends up with several invitations so he has to decide.

Whatever the choice, rock on, Robert, you brilliant biologist!

Wow...just read a fascinating and hilarious article over on Wired's site.

The columnist describes every nerd/boy's dream toy - a jet pack. While extraordinarily heavy and bulky, the unit should deliver about 30 minutes of flight compared to the typical minute or so that previous efforts have mustered.

The article's highlight, however, is undoubtedly the following passage:

Of course, it's hard not to imagine the test flight. With great ebullience, Andreas soars into the heavens. He sneers at gravity with contempt, a spurned mistress, a whore who embraces all but him. But suddenly he hears a horrifying choke and shudder and a sickening vertigo creeping up from his genitalia and into his bowels as he plummets back down to the ground, strapped to over 200 pounds of highly-explosive rocket fuel and whirring metal blades.

This clip was hilarious..."Stay the course" through cheesy musical bit - it's worth it.

To you two to four semi-regular reader - sorry...I've been in a writing dry spot. I've been reasonably busy at work lately, and at home I've been too distracted by the heating situation (still not resolved).

I'll do a little som'n-som'n on Saturday, and it's possible I'll find something to write about as soon as 10 minutes from now.

Alright, go ahead and laugh at my, "I'm still here," post.

Alright...here's the story...

Close to two weeks ago, I wanted to check out my furnace before turning the heat on for the first time of the season. So I went down to my basement to discover a small amount of moisture around one of the bottom corners of the furnace. Having had a small fuel oil leak in the past few months, I decided I'd call up the home warranty folks to send somebody over. A gentleman came by a week ago today. He noted that the moisture was water, and wasn't a serious problem. Then he manually fired up the furnace to confirm it worked. It turned on, and he commented that it was burning fuel, but not particularly well. It worked though. Then he moved over to the side of the furnace.

"Whoa! You two - go over there!" he shouted to his assistant and me as he motioned towards the stairs.

It turns out that exhaust was coming out of the pressure relief valve into the basement, and not venting up the chimney as it was supposed to.

A duct issues from the top of the furnace composed of an elbow and single piece of straight ductwork that enters the base of the chimney. The contractor pulled off the elbow and showed me a large amount of debris. Indicating, appropriately, that he wasn't a chimney expert, he said I should have a chimney inspection since it appeared that the liner had collapsed. He was crouched down taking notes and was about to leave when he caught something out of the corner of his eye.

"Hang on a sec...come here. You see that on top of the controller? That's silt. And see here, too? Higher up. This furnace has been under water. You can see rust in places where it shouldn't be, either, considering this furnace is only three years old. And see, this is a New Yorker furnace. They're usually green. This is gray. It's been painted over." He pointed to a portion of the furnace behind the pressure gauge where the sneaky painter missed a spot.

Hooray. My chimney needs relining in order to use my furnace which may or may not completely fail in near future.

After having a chimney inspector visit this past Monday, Val and I essentially decided that we're going to forget about our current heating system and go for a dual-zone heat pump if we can swing it. I'd rather spend three or four times as much for something that adds value to my house instead of a big chunk of change out of pocket to fix something that could still break in the future.

So I had a contractor come by today, and I have another one coming by tomorrow for estimates on installation.

It's not that Val and I were never planning on putting in a better heating/cooling system, but man. We sure weren't expecting to go for it this soon, and certainly not while we're relying on two space heaters to keep us warm in a rapidly cooling October :-)

I spent the weekend reveling in God's creation and the company of some fine friends.

Valerie and myself, along with three other couples and the parents of on of the wives stayed in the parents' cabin on Spanish Oak Mountain in North Carolina. About 30 miles from Boone, this retreat was situated in the middle of glorious hard-wood trees at the peak of their colorful leaf-changing process. The weather was cool, and the air was crisp. We attended two local craft-ish festivals containing equal parts kitsch, serious artisanship, and carnival sillyness. I positively love little celebrations of local culture, and the Valle Crucis Country Fair as well as the Wooly Worm Festival did not disappoint.

Walking through the woods with several fellas I looked up to in college was time well spent, and playing guitar in the freezing night around a struggling would-be bonfire was fun despite the numbing finger tips.

Rarely has it been so difficult to return to the "civilized" Atlantic Coastal Plain.

As a follow up to that Weird Al video posted below, I thought I'd link to the Slate article that led me to it in the first place.

Well written and nostalgic, the article reminds me of why I've always respected that man. Maybe I need to watch UHF soon...

You know it's a slow Friday when I'm postin' TWO videos! I just ran into Weird Al's video, "White and Nerdy."

Check it.
[youtube [www.youtube.com/watch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xEzGIuY7kw&w=425&h=350])

Or rather, not denied...Below is one of the best interpretations of Stairway to Heaven I've heard/seen.

And these two, Rodriga y Gabriela, are freakin' amazing. Look for more of thier stuff on YouTube. I'll be looking for their CDs in music shops ASAP.

[youtube [www.youtube.com/watch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNc5o9TU0t0&w=425&h=350])

Alright, I'm gonna try my hand at some gin-u-wine activism today.

I'm going to try to attend a protest of Bush and his war policies today by the Science Museum of Virginia, where's he's scheduled to appear at a fund raising event for Senator Allen.

The rallying point for the protestors is the corner of DMV and Broad, but the proximity to the Science Museam makes me doubtful that anybody will be able to get that close. I'll take the back way to get there, though, so here's hoping I'm even able to get my car close enough to park!

I remember many months (or maybe a year?) ago, a friend of mine told me about a neat trick on Google's main search page.

If you entered the phrase "miserable failure" and clicked the "I'm feeling lucky" button, you'd be taken directly to the Whitehouse front page.

Well, as of today, it still works the same way.

Tee hee!

I've become absorbed in the NBC tv show, "Heroes."

The acting isn't particularly great, the direction is a bit clichéd, and the characters aren't too deep (yet). I mean, the general concept is almost a direct rip-off of the X-Men, and unapologetically so; certain people experience genetic mutations which provide them with extraordinary powers. They even reference X-Men in the first episode.

So why the heck do I watch it?

The method of story-telling is enthralling. Each episode so far rotates through the main characters, showing between 5 and 10 minutes of story per person. Just enough plot is revealed for each character to whet the appetite of the viewer.

I guess I'll see how the series progresses. For now, I can't stop watching it.

I don't nap often, but when I do, it's because my body clearly demands it.

Yesterday, such a nap occurred, where my body gave up, my eyes closed, and I slept during the day.

I'd had poor sleep for several nights before, so I suppose it was recovery sleep. Little did I realize the punitive effects I'd experience later on:

When I went to bed last night, I laid in bed, AWAKE, for two hours. TWO HOURS STRAIGHT. That SUCKED. So here I sit at work on a Monday morning, dying for Monday afternoon, and eventually...Friday afternoon.

Boo.

Who'd've thought I'd be farting a hole in my seat because of dried apricots?

Well, at least, that's why I think it's happening.

So far today, I've had nearly my entire day's worth of dietry fiber, and it's not even half-past-three. And a whopping 60% or more is from dried apricots. Since this morning (mostly this morning, in fact), I've eaten more than half a carton of these things (mostly to stem hunger before between my morning granola bar and lunch), and just realized that each of the "11 servings" in the can contains 12% of my RDA for dietry fiber.

Now I usually get plenty of fiber - between the bread and pasta I ingest, I'm sure I get plenty - but I don't think my body is used to the fiber over...um...load I dealt it today.

Alright...that's enough for this puerile post.

I think I'm going to start reading Slate more often. Having read many an article linked by my brother or Jason Kottke, I'm finding that I enjoy they're writing style. The editorial writing style coupled with plenty of real fact and news substance makes me feel like I'm reading The Daily Show, only toned down a bit, and without the studio audience.

Oh boy...the only government that scares me more than my own has apparently conducted a successful test of a nuclear weapon. I'm not even going to link to a story - just search for North Korea, and some source's copy is bound to pop up in the top ten results.

And what could possibly be the best response to such brazen exercises? Why, none other than the thinly-veiled-yet-still-empty threats of or illustrious leader, Dubya. Go ahead Jerge, give the insane despot what he wants...more attention. That's the ideal way to deal with the troll of the political landscape.

Sheesh...I'm exhausted, it's Monday, and the song, "Working Overtime," by New Order is playing on Radio Paradise right now.

I just want to go home and go back to bead.

Or just skip to Friday.

I love pancakes. Jake might even say that I freakin' love pancakes.

Tonight, for the second time, I came to the realization that Galaxy Diner in Carytown has the best flap-jacks in Richmond. There are two reasons.

1. These pancakes actually taste, well, cakey. I don't know whether they make their own batter or found a way to perfect Bisquick, but it sure is a rich, moist, cake-like texture - not the semi-dry and crumbly stuff you typically find in an American household.
2. These puppies are cooked perfectly. Really - in addition to the moist and soft texture of the interior, each pancake was cooked to a satisfying crispiness on the top side without being burnt on either.

I suppose it'd be fair to place pancakes in that same venerable category as pizza and biscuits; while not as simple from an ingredients standpoint, pancakes are quite as deceptively simple to prepare. Few eateries, however, seem capable of getting it right.

If you're one of the 3 to 4 sporadic readers of my website, you've probably noticed a number of comments by my buddy Jake (you can tell by the goofy names he chooses).

Well, he wants me to post more frequently (I did just post two days ago...), so here goes!

This is a test post. This is only a test post. If this had been an actual post of any substance, I would have created it in my own time, without prompting by one of my impatient friends.

This concludes the test of my posting abilities. Stay tuned for more writing to be read by less than half a dozen people when I feel like it :-)

Today is my second wedding anniversary, so just suck it up and deal as I spout in a sappy manner about my love for my wife :-)

In the two years that Val and I have been married, I don't actually feel like a whole lot has changed - but that's not a bad thing. We were dating for a bit more than three years when we married, so there wasn't a whole lot left to find out. We have, however, grown closer as we've moved through life changes and challenges, and the stressful process of buying a home this year. Valerie has helped me cope with some bitter family conflict, laughed at my dopey jokes, and put up with my slovenly life-style around the house. She's everything I could ask for in a spouse - loving, caring, understanding, forgiving, uplifting, and extraordinarily complementary to my personality.

I love her more today than I did last year, and I'm confident that I'll be writing many more saccharine posts like this in years to come.

You remember the old days of the web when page after page was littered with wretched animated .GIF files? I recall countless web pages that ground my old computer's processor to a halt because of the myriad animations which filled the screen...mostly cheesy graphics of fire burning, people driving cars, or three frames of animation to otherwise give the impression of movement.

Those days seem largely to have passed (unless you dig through MySpace).

Today, however, I was reminded of a hilarious graphic whilst perusing the comment boards on Radio Paradise, and it's too hilarious not to share: