Ploafmaster General

Q: Pleasure potential aside, why the JFK do men have nipples?

A: To get to the other side.

Wait...no. Seriously, this is a question pondered by sundry and wiser men than I, yet still unanswered with any certainty. From Aristotle to Darwin, thinkers and scientists have proffered such theories as left-over vestiges from a "father feeds the babies" evolutionary history. This may be possible - after all, we have the whole (albeit underdeveloped) setup: nipple, mammary gland, nerve endings, blood vessels. It's also still possible to cause male lactation with either enough estrogen or enough physical stimulation (in rare cases). But we generally don't see men lining up for estrogen treatments so they can feed their young'ns.

I tend to stick with the whole "pleasure potential" explanation myself.

That's it! Ask Dan #3 fades into the vague memories of the 6 (or dare I be so haughty as to assume 7?) occasional readers of my verbal drivel. Keep a sharp eye for the next Ask Dan installment!

Alright...Thanksgiving is over, I have heat, and I have to settle into a groove, because I have four full weeks of work ahead before a much needed Christmas break - 10 full days in a row with no work.

Time to set my teeth and press on...

Thankfully I have plenty of distractions, because I have a front door to hang, a house to decorate, Ruby on Rails to learn, a novel to read, two birthdays in between, and a steady stream of tasks at work.

Hey hey hey, it's time for Ask Dan #3.

Chris got a head start this week with a comment on my answer to Ask Dan #2. Here 'tis:

Question - is it better to rake the leaves in your yard often (weekly) or just wait until all the leaves are off the trees and have a leaf-clearing blowout party (involving friends, pizza, and beer).[sic]

Go ahead and post your questions in the comments section, and I'll pick one by Wednesday evening, answering by Friday evening.

Ciao,
Daniel

Q: How can refried beans still be so tasty even though EVERY SINGLE time I open a can, I violently recoil due to the preciseness with which they resemble canned dog or cat food?

A: I believe this is a simple answer, really, as there are many other foods that tempt ye olde buds-de-taste while sharing the visual qualities of canine victuals.

We are gluttons for punishment.

Gastrointestinal punishment, that is. Consider the nutritional value of foods in the "eat it for the taste and not the looks" department. I'll start with the refried beans, and all I have to say to get my point across is GAS. Crampy intestines followed by noxious blowouts.

Another fine example is corned beef hash. If ever a food for people resembled dog food, it was hash. Chopped meat and potatoes, bound together in a can by a mysterious mixture of seasoning and goo. Not only does this look wrong in every sense of the word as it issues forth from a cracked Dinty Moore can, it smells unholy as well. Until you cook it. Then you have a crispy, savory, hearty pile of acid reflux stew.

Though I feel my point's made clear, I'll share one more example: sausage. This culinary compost heap is a "link" to our past, fighting for survival by preserving and eating every last part of an animal. Composed of pieces of fat and meat (and in the industrially-produced meat packing industry, "meat" is used loosely), encased in sheep intestine, then cooked up by any available heat application, eating sausage is the nutritional equivalent of a cholesterol injection.

All these foods, however, share the common denominator of tastiness. We probably first experienced these foods as children before learning of their unappetizing initial states, leaving a lingering desire to consume them that overwhelms our revulsion at the site of slop-in-a-tin.

So that does it for Ask Dan #2. Stay tuned for Ask Dan #3, and start thinking of those questions!

Now pardon me as I go eat some gravy made out of turkey entrails...

These past few days I've been listening to Sufjan Stevens' Songs for Christmas album. While it officially released today, I got it Thursday afternoon because I supported the artist by pre-ordering the set from his label's site. It's a collection of five EPs he's recorded at home every year since 2001 (missing only 2004) comprised of his take on traditional carols as well as originals.

In short: BUY THIS ALBUM.

Why? Here are a couple reasons, in no particular order:
1. The music. Sufjan's covers are wonderful treatments of classic hymnal carols such as "Once in David's Royal City" and "O Come, O Come Emmanuel." He also thoughtfully includes non-carol hymns with content befitting the Christmas subject, such as "Holy, holy, holy." Especially excellent, however, are his original pieces. Sufjan manages to capture a "Christmas Song" feel in songs which still sound very much like his creations. Thoughtful lyrics and intricate orchestration - his hallmarks - are present as expected. The subject is simply Christmas rather than a state's popular historical figure. Highlights here include "Sister Winter" and "Star of Wonder."

2. The box set itself. The album comes in a fold-open box containing the five EPs in their own sleeves with details about each on the back. There's also a humorous Christmas comic strip, stickers, and a nice thick booklet containing essays, stories, and the lyrics - with chord names! This last bit is fantastic for musicians who want an idea of the song structure should they ever desire to learn/play the tunes. The essays and stories are also excellent, including the final, "Christmas Tube Socks," by Sufjan - a personal description of his experience with Christmas, from his initial disdain to his present awe and reverence.

Sure, the subject matter on these discs is fairly holiday-centric, but I think I'll keep these tunes in my regular iTunes/iPod rotation, even after December 25th.

Woot! Val and I finally have heat in...well, most of our house.

The install finished up last week, and we turned on the system while we were away in Williamsburg over the weekend. We returned, however, to find that the downstairs zone wasn't actually heating at all...

Long story short, there's a bad part in the downstairs unit, and it'll be replaced for free (obviously), so we should have a properly functioning system by tomorrow morning. Oi! I'm ready for it!

Alright loyal half-dozen! Time for Ask Dan #2!

You'll have to come up with some excellent questions, as Alexis got a strong start right out of the gate:

Here’s a question for Ask Dan:

Is there anyone hotter than Sufjan Stevens? If there isn’t, is such a thing theoretically possible (or plausible)?

And another:

How can refried beans still be so tasty even though EVERY SINGLE time I open a can, I violently recoil due to the preciseness with which they resemble canned dog or cat food?

Alright! Post your questions in the comments section - I'll answer on Friday!

Q: Who is pretentious?

A: To answer such a question, we have to start with the definition of the word. As usual, I turn to Webster:

Main Entry: pre•ten•tious
Pronunciation: pri-'ten(t)-sh&s
Function: adjective
Etymology: French prétentieux, from prétention pretension, from Medieval Latin pretention-, pretentio, from Latin praetendere
1 : characterized by pretension : as a : making usually unjustified or excessive claims (as of value or standing) b : expressive of affected, unwarranted, or exaggerated importance, worth, or stature
2 : making demands on one's skill, ability, or means : AMBITIOUS
synonym see SHOWY
- pre•ten•tious•ly adverb
- pre•ten•tious•ness noun

That seems pretty simple. Who is pretentious? Somebody displaying pretension. So what the heck is that?!? Well, here’s the definition for pretension:

Main Entry: 1pre•ten•sion
Pronunciation: pri-'ten(t)-sh&n
Function: noun
1 : an allegation of doubtful value : PRETEXT
2 : a claim or an effort to establish a claim
3 : a claim or right to attention or honor because of merit
4 : an aspiration or intention that may or may not reach fulfillment
5 : VANITY, PRETENTIOUSNESS
synonym see AMBITION
- pre•ten•sion•less /-l&s/ adjective

That seems pretty cut and dry. But I’m sure that Patrick didn’t want simply to know what pretentious meant, and the loose categorization of those who make “doubtfully valuable allegations” as pretentious. No, I suspect Patrick wants to know who I think is pretentious, and moreover, why.

Those of you 5 or 6 readers out there likely know my hatred for the overuse of the word “pretentious” in descriptions of art – be it music or film. It’s not so much that I hate simply the word, or even it’s frequency of utterance. It’s more a misuse. Abuse, really.

I feel that most folks use that synonym that Webster listed up above: showy. Furthermore, I believe they use such a word to describe what they believe is showy without evidence of whether or not such a piece of art really fits such a categorization. Such oversimplification of “pretentious” is detectable when the offender explains his or her reasons for using the word. In countless articles, forum posts, and conversations, people describe their impression of the artists intent. Sure, they believe the artist is being showy, whether it’s the dialogue in an “indie” film, or Sufjan Stevens’ song titles on his Illinois album. But does their aversion to these artistic products stem from unjustified or excessive claims by the artist? Are these artists overstating their own value? Such claims, if they exist, rarely find their way into the vitriolic verbiage of critics who cry “pretentious!”

So who do I think is pretentious? Those critics, whether professional, forum-posting, or casual arm-chair remarking, who call out “pretentious” without a thorough understanding of its meaning, against art they simply find too ornamental. Such people are themselves making unjustified value judgments.

Thus concludes Ask Dan #1. Thanks, Patrick, for the question!

I know I've really been bitin' off McSweeney's lately, but dang it if that site isn't one of the funniest things I've ever read since Sweet Fancy Moses.

So today I just discovered the "verbal cartoons" of Dan Liebert. He seems to be a more sophisticated Jack Handey (not that there's ANYthing wrong with Jack Handey, Alexis :-)).

Read! Enjoy! Wet yourself with laughter!

How do you react in the face of tragedy?

Yes, it's puerile. Yes, it's gross. Yes, I probably shouldn't link to such a base web page on my site, but here I've gone and done it.

Why? Because my wife has been to a bachelorette party, and so have countless other women out there, and if they'll suffer no worse than some blushing faces at the reading of the article, then everyone else can certainly handle it. Fellas, if you're not familiar with the sort of things that happen at bachelorette parties, then crawl out of your hole, read this article, and laugh your fanny off.

Seriously the most amazing thing I've seen in weeks. The below video was created by a Norwegian bloke using expertly edited video samples of himself playing several individual hits on a drum kit, and notes on a piano. He otherwise doesn't know how to play drums or piano, but clearly has an ear for music. And some hella tight video editing skillz.
[youtube [www.youtube.com/watch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzqumbhfxRo&w=425&h=350])

After a fun and humorous discussion with Patrick and Chris B., I decided that I'm going to start a "column" on my site called "Ask Dan."

This originated because of my apparent ability to talk about any subject. What a lot of people don't know (but my friends are aware of completely) is that I'm not really that intelligent. I'm just good at SOUNDING like I know what I'm talking about. Speaking with authority, if you will. A major B.S. artist, if you won't.

What Patrick, Chris, and I came up with was a question/answer feature for a site, and I decided to test it right here. If it stays here, fine. If, by some strange chance it got bigger, I'd make a new site. But I'm guessing the trickle of questions from my loyal four readers will keep it down to a weekly (or monthly) occurrence.

So here's how it'll work. I'll post a stub like this calling for folks to submit questions. I'll pick a question to answer, no matter how odd or serious, personal, or general. Or Ploafmaster General. My answer, however, will be completely serious and (pseudo)informative. That's really all the structure I have so far.

Alright then - post your questions in the comments, and check back on Friday for an answer!

Every so often...or should I say almost weekly, we have "on-site vendors" in the lobby of my office building. Said vendors proffer goods ranging from chintzy jewelry to books.

But they all drive me nuts.

They camp out in the center of the lobby, right near the entrance to the Men's Room. My section of the office has no bathroom of its own, so I have to walk past these crowded tables every time I need to hit the john. I feel as if they stare hopefully at me whenever I approach, only to have their entrepreneurial hopes dashed as I shuffle by, head down, avoiding eye contact.

Go find a flea market somewhere.

Time yet again for another shameless plug of my brother's writing. Head on over to his blog and check out his recent worx.

So yesterday, Val and I found out we will in fact be able to get our new heating system!!!!

On Monday, November 13th, Goodman Plumbing Heating and Air Conditioning will arrive at our house to begin installation work. We'll be getting a two zone heat pump system with a 2 ton, 14 SEER Trane on for the first floor, and a 2.5 ton, 15 SEER Trane for the second. Both floors will utilize variable-speed air handlers, which should help the efficiency of the system even more. AND...he's throwing in two touch-screen thermostats for the same price as the regular programmable ones :-)

So...by Thanksgiving, Val and I should have some ductwork, heat, AC for the summer, and 9 useless radiators!

Though no decisions have been made, one of my best friends, Robert, just informed me that Iowa State University wants him as a Ph.D. student!

While it'd be a bummer that he'd be even farther away (he's already in North Carolina), I'm happy for him that he's received the invitation. My hope is that he ends up with several invitations so he has to decide.

Whatever the choice, rock on, Robert, you brilliant biologist!

Wow...just read a fascinating and hilarious article over on Wired's site.

The columnist describes every nerd/boy's dream toy - a jet pack. While extraordinarily heavy and bulky, the unit should deliver about 30 minutes of flight compared to the typical minute or so that previous efforts have mustered.

The article's highlight, however, is undoubtedly the following passage:

Of course, it's hard not to imagine the test flight. With great ebullience, Andreas soars into the heavens. He sneers at gravity with contempt, a spurned mistress, a whore who embraces all but him. But suddenly he hears a horrifying choke and shudder and a sickening vertigo creeping up from his genitalia and into his bowels as he plummets back down to the ground, strapped to over 200 pounds of highly-explosive rocket fuel and whirring metal blades.

This clip was hilarious..."Stay the course" through cheesy musical bit - it's worth it.

To you two to four semi-regular reader - sorry...I've been in a writing dry spot. I've been reasonably busy at work lately, and at home I've been too distracted by the heating situation (still not resolved).

I'll do a little som'n-som'n on Saturday, and it's possible I'll find something to write about as soon as 10 minutes from now.

Alright, go ahead and laugh at my, "I'm still here," post.

Alright...here's the story...

Close to two weeks ago, I wanted to check out my furnace before turning the heat on for the first time of the season. So I went down to my basement to discover a small amount of moisture around one of the bottom corners of the furnace. Having had a small fuel oil leak in the past few months, I decided I'd call up the home warranty folks to send somebody over. A gentleman came by a week ago today. He noted that the moisture was water, and wasn't a serious problem. Then he manually fired up the furnace to confirm it worked. It turned on, and he commented that it was burning fuel, but not particularly well. It worked though. Then he moved over to the side of the furnace.

"Whoa! You two - go over there!" he shouted to his assistant and me as he motioned towards the stairs.

It turns out that exhaust was coming out of the pressure relief valve into the basement, and not venting up the chimney as it was supposed to.

A duct issues from the top of the furnace composed of an elbow and single piece of straight ductwork that enters the base of the chimney. The contractor pulled off the elbow and showed me a large amount of debris. Indicating, appropriately, that he wasn't a chimney expert, he said I should have a chimney inspection since it appeared that the liner had collapsed. He was crouched down taking notes and was about to leave when he caught something out of the corner of his eye.

"Hang on a sec...come here. You see that on top of the controller? That's silt. And see here, too? Higher up. This furnace has been under water. You can see rust in places where it shouldn't be, either, considering this furnace is only three years old. And see, this is a New Yorker furnace. They're usually green. This is gray. It's been painted over." He pointed to a portion of the furnace behind the pressure gauge where the sneaky painter missed a spot.

Hooray. My chimney needs relining in order to use my furnace which may or may not completely fail in near future.

After having a chimney inspector visit this past Monday, Val and I essentially decided that we're going to forget about our current heating system and go for a dual-zone heat pump if we can swing it. I'd rather spend three or four times as much for something that adds value to my house instead of a big chunk of change out of pocket to fix something that could still break in the future.

So I had a contractor come by today, and I have another one coming by tomorrow for estimates on installation.

It's not that Val and I were never planning on putting in a better heating/cooling system, but man. We sure weren't expecting to go for it this soon, and certainly not while we're relying on two space heaters to keep us warm in a rapidly cooling October :-)

I spent the weekend reveling in God's creation and the company of some fine friends.

Valerie and myself, along with three other couples and the parents of on of the wives stayed in the parents' cabin on Spanish Oak Mountain in North Carolina. About 30 miles from Boone, this retreat was situated in the middle of glorious hard-wood trees at the peak of their colorful leaf-changing process. The weather was cool, and the air was crisp. We attended two local craft-ish festivals containing equal parts kitsch, serious artisanship, and carnival sillyness. I positively love little celebrations of local culture, and the Valle Crucis Country Fair as well as the Wooly Worm Festival did not disappoint.

Walking through the woods with several fellas I looked up to in college was time well spent, and playing guitar in the freezing night around a struggling would-be bonfire was fun despite the numbing finger tips.

Rarely has it been so difficult to return to the "civilized" Atlantic Coastal Plain.

As a follow up to that Weird Al video posted below, I thought I'd link to the Slate article that led me to it in the first place.

Well written and nostalgic, the article reminds me of why I've always respected that man. Maybe I need to watch UHF soon...

You know it's a slow Friday when I'm postin' TWO videos! I just ran into Weird Al's video, "White and Nerdy."

Check it.
[youtube [www.youtube.com/watch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xEzGIuY7kw&w=425&h=350])

Or rather, not denied...Below is one of the best interpretations of Stairway to Heaven I've heard/seen.

And these two, Rodriga y Gabriela, are freakin' amazing. Look for more of thier stuff on YouTube. I'll be looking for their CDs in music shops ASAP.

[youtube [www.youtube.com/watch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNc5o9TU0t0&w=425&h=350])