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Q: A multi-faceted question for a multi-faceted guy.
If you found yourself alone on the Serengeti with nothing but a pocketwatch[sic] and a barometer, how would each of the following allow you to survive:
a) Sucking the lifemilk[sic] from a wounded Gnu?
b) Playing hide and seek with an angry lion?
c) Hooking up with the Jolie-Pitt entourage?

A: Welcome to one of my ultimate Home Boys, Robert. This grad-school essay-style Q/A should provide a bit of insight into how my brain has worked since oh, say, 10th grade. So here goes!

a) Since gnus, whether wounded or otherwise, cannot read a barometer, I'd use the false hope of a coming rainy season (still 4 months away in actuality) to help build within the beast the strength to carry on despite its injuries. Additionally, I think suckling milk from the hurt animal would give me the energy and moisture to keep from wasting away while simultaneously developing the necessary mother-son bond that would allow me to ride the gnu out of the grasslands to a remote town in Botswana.

b) Playing hide and seek (successfully) with a lion would cause the lion to give up living in frustration at its lack of seeking prowess. The lion is angry because the lionesses have repeatedly questioned his manhood since "they do most of the hunting anyway, and he has yet to quit loafing and get a real job." This welling anger coupled with my out-smarting the so-called King of the Jungle (or savanna?) would drive him to climb the highest tree in the vicinity and throw himself off, ensuring not to land on his feet as cats so often do. Once liberated from his life, I would then remove his pelt (respectfully and carefully) to use as a lame disguise to escape the rest of the lions undetected. The lionesses would simply mistake me for their lazy male counterpart "ignoring responsibility and ditching just like every other man."

c) Here's where the pocket watch comes in handy, but I'm not going to tell you why, because that's too easy. All I really have to do here is imitate the mating call of a Soderbergh screenplay for "Ocean's 37" or something of that nature, and Pitt would ignore Jolie just long enough to pick me up and toss me in the back of his traveling caravan, to be read later. What he doesn't know, of course, is that I'm in fact a hitcher with a fondness for pocket watches, and I'm just looking for a way out.

Confused? I hope so. I'm sure Robert understands my response, and I hope you at least found it amusing. Or demented. Either way, question answered.

Ciao, and look out for the next Ask Dan!