Humor

generic introspective blog post

First person, self-referential introductory sentence that only hints at the full content of the blog post.

Another sentence that, still self-referential, connects the introductory sentence to this paragraph after an extra line (Parenthetical statement pointing out that the extra line was for dramatic effect. No mention of the amateur nature of this writing contrivance). Further explanation of the situation couched in a personal anecdote that has the tone of whining complaint. Rhetorical questioning of mutual understanding with readership - a readership that is, assuredly, small.

Here is where the blog post begins to collapse on itself. Tangentially-related point that causes this paragraph to devolve into self-pitying, half-coherent platitudes. Self-conscious recognition of derailed original intentions for this post. Obsequious yet still self-pitying apologies to hypothetical audience.

Dismissive valediction.

Hey, remember?

Hey, remember when you had to worry about skip protection on your portable CD player? If you were riding in the car with somebody you'd often have to hold the device gingerly on your lap because, despite said skip protection, the vibration of the car would eat that up in a hurry.

Hey, remember when you could buy the old formula of NyQuil over the counter without anybody suspecting you of being a meth head?

Hey, remember when you could, as a little kid, enter the cockpit of a commercial aircraft and greet the pilot? I got a little pair of American Airlines wings during a flight when I was six years old.

Hey, remember when the soles of flip-flops used to be made with an isotope of a rare-earth metal that would faintly stain your heels if you wore them every day? You had to alternate between your flops and some other kind of shoe every day unless you wanted folks to think you walked barefoot and didn't shower often.

Hey, remember when you could collect the UPC codes from cereal boxes and send them in to General Mills for gold coins? It took a whole lot of UPCs, but it was a way for a young boy to build his own gold stockpile.

Hey, remember when you could buy human organs on the open market? I don't know why they stopped doing that - they made for nice decoration in the middle of a coffee table, or a centerpiece at Thanksgiving.

Hey, remember when calling the right phone number just as the clocks were changing over for Daylight Saving Time would result in super powers? Well, maybe mediocre powers. I still don't see anything quite so super about triple the normal level of mucous production or the ability to cook soup in the can just by thinking about it. Although "shave your face by thought" was pretty sweet. I still miss it.

No? Wait - did all three of your eyes just blink in sequence?

Conan Stands Up

Oh man. I hope he doesn't fade away from television or entertainment, or whatever. But I'm so glad to read Conan's statement (through the New York Times) regarding NBC's bone-headed move to shift the late night schedule around.

I'll watch Conan on any network, any time slot, and I respect his decision not to participate in the sinking of a great ship as executed by an aimless network with a management team that seams to be as creative as GM's design department.

Dear Photographer

Paul Armstrong is an incredible photographer. No, seriously - go spend some time digging through his Flickr stream before you keep reading.
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Good? I told you so. Anyway, Paul Armstrong is also hilarious. Case in point: Dear Photographer, a collection of quips initially from Twitter that will, hopefully, grow as time goes by. I'm sure many of us are guilty of at least one of his points, but they're funny none-the-less.

Clip your phrases with a sharpened hockey stick.

Rosecrans Baldwin made me crack up with his survey of accents around the English-speaking world and how to impersonate them in a jam. I think this was my clear favorite:

Accent: Irish

Scenario: After a short Dublin breakfast, it’s time for a drink. You find a pub suitably Irish without an obvious thing for tourists. Local contractors on their coffee break watch your entrance. The bartender nods and asks what you’d like.

Tips & Tricks: The Irish accent is one of the world’s most beautiful, and nobody knows it better than the Irish. Frankly, you don’t stand a chance of sliding by. Your best bet is to impersonate Colin Farrell on a bender and punch out the whole crowd.

Response: Don’t even try it. They will kill you.